This is a 230lb Woman

Can I say weight is weird?
This is a 230 lbs woman.
In stores, I’m between a 12 and an 18, a large and a 5xl.

I’ve been more. I’ve been less.
I just got a smart scale (not wholly accurate to be clear) which says I have >110lbs of muscle. According to my ideal BMI I’d have to lose 10 lbs of muscle and 2 lbs of bone in addition to my chub. I’m on a health journey, I can tell my body can be happier, but scales and BMI don’t tell me that! When I treeplanted I felt my best, and I weighed 210 lbs and benched almost the same. I’m ‘supposed’ to be 100lbs less than my healthiest. I have no idea what my gravity looks like on different bodies.

I’m outing myself as someone who has no idea what I look like, really. I’m unpacking my inner weirdness. When a friend posted pictures of about a dozen women who weigh 200lbs , and how different they all look… it blew my mind.

When I saw a bunch of beautiful healthy humans around my ‘ ideal weight’ and it reminded me that many of us need our binoculars adjusted. I don’t think I have BDD ( Body Dysmorphic Disorder) but we live in a BD culture.

” Being extremely preoccupied with a perceived flaw in appearance that to others can’t be seen or appears minor. Strong belief that you have a defect in your appearance that makes you ugly or deformed”
I’m embarrassed to say, until this chapter of dating (when 30+ and on dating apps for the first time, .dealing with the binary of swiping right or left) I didn’t realize people thought I was asthetically beautiful/ pretty/cute ?
I like the way I look! Ppl who love me may, too– but I’ve always held the assumption the vast majority of ppl don’t like the look of me because I’m plus sized. That maybe something is wrong with them or I tricked ppl who thought me attractive ?
Turns out plenty of ppl can like me because of how I look, not in spite of it?

The narrative I’ve been telling myself has been one of self-limiting and self loathing, when (hilariously) when dating women, personally have only dated bigger, gorgeous femme bodies.
I’d never turn that violence of my inner cruel narrative on anyone else. EVER.
So , hopefully this post helps you change your own binoculars and know if ya struggle? You’re not alone.